Monday, May 25, 2009
Out of the Inbox - THE CRY OF A PAINED NESHOMA
Sent in by a Chaptzem reader
One of the greatest of our tannaim was Resh Lokish, the gemorah states; he committed every Aveira in the Torah. The question that begs to be asked is why does the gemmora tell us of his past? I think the torah is trying to teach every generation that there is a concept of teshuva, No matter what we have done in the past, there is a avenue in which a torah Jew can change, grow and aspire to reach, we are capable of change, and the torah shares us the story to help a person who has lost his sense of direction do teshuva.
It seems that our generation want s to forget this concept, we live in a time when the concept of “Ein bayis asher ein bo mess” is so applicable. There is no family that is not affected by kids at risk, it can be a son, daughter, nephew, brother or sister, we all know a family member that is affected by this issue. Yet the biggest issue that many of us feel and share is that no matter what we try to do to make a change, we still are labeled and victimized by our past.
We try to make a difference, we try to change, even though its been a hard and painful process we have gone through, few truly understand the pain we feel and walk around with, We almost don’t want to even change, because we feel that no matter how much change we do, we will walk around with the shame and hurt for eternity. Its almost easier not change. But we want to, we want to be accepted, and not labeled.
It says in Pirkei Avos , “ don’t judge someone till you have reached his place” how can the frum people and our Rabbonim judge me and my fellow Mivakshim if they never went through the abuse, pain, hurt, embarrassment and bitter life that we experienced????
There is no frum Kehilla that is not affected by these issues. It is a problem that has exploded in every frum community around the world. Parents cry their hearts out for a Yeshua, suffer in silence because they are afraid to talk to a Rov or yeshiva, for then they will be labeled and can potentially hurt, jobs, school placement and of course shidduchim. It’s easier for the community to sweep it under the carpet than figure out what they have done wrong. It’s easier to blame the kid or parents!
I have gone to 7 levayos of youth at risk in the past 3 months, AD MOSAI????
According to studies, well over 80% of youth at risk have been abused! Do we wonder why the kid goes off? Do the Rabbonim understand what a kid who have been abused walks around with; do they understand the weight that kid now has on his shoulders? Perhaps its time for our lay leaders to say, perhaps it’s not the kid or parents?
Perhaps the concept of Aish Dos, (A program started by Rabbi Shraga F. Mendolwitz to guide and educate melamdim) needs to be implemented into our community. To guide Rabbayim and teachers into not only knowing how to teach but how to understand the kid, his fears, pains and to be able to guide him but most important build him.
Our Kehilla is blessed with b”h Gedolai Torah, Rabbonim and lay leaders, But do they understand Addiction? Addiction is the number one issue that faces our youth. It’s what we call the failed solution, before the drugs, alcohol and gambling, there was a problem, but because of the pain, and not knowing how to deal with it we find a band aid, something to make us feel good even it’s only for a few mind altering moments. Do they know how strong that pain is? It’s easier for them to say I am a bum, not frum, than see I am a member of Klall Yisroel, and I have been crying out for help. Perhaps it’s been your attitude that has pushed me further away. I am a good person, I am a sensitive person and I would give my shirt off my back to help you, yet my addiction caused me to do things that I would never do if I was healthy, Are you going to hold that against me????
This issue is near and dear to my heart as I struggle with these issues well over a year after I have made positive changes in my life, I work with Youth at Risk on a daily basis, Yet I am victimized by my past. Will I need to become rich or super frum, talk yishivish to get accepted?? Will you see past my mistakes and see the person who is caring loving and a true asset to Klal Yisroel?
The reason why the person running a 12 step meeting (therapy group for addicts) must be a former user and addict, is because to understand the addict, to understand the pain, one had to have experienced it.
Speaking recently to a askan from a Agudah Yisroel, I asked him why was their organization not doing more to deal with this issue which is claiming so many Yiddish neshomos? He responded, Verbatim, Agudah is a solution based organization, the problem with youth at risk, is there is no solution so we don’t put in time or to much energy!!! YES THERE IS A SOLUTION, DID THE GEDOLIM GIVE UP ON RESH LOKISH???
I hope this letter gives you an opportunity to see my pain, and yet my hope, dreams and aspiration. May this letter better educate you about our struggle and hopes for a better tomorrow.
Truly,
Yisroel S.
Comments:
What is so sad, is that the individuals that are typically in charge, are the children who are doing the bullying, are children of those who are children of administrators, or children of those people who have money or are influential. This is not a problem that is chas v'shalom only in the city either, this is a problem in Canada, and in smaller cities like Chicago, Baltimore, Detroit and Cleveland. Telshe Yeshiva in Cleveland has problems. The Hebrew Academy in Cleveland especially has major issues with bullying and administration issues. There are always issues.. it's up to the school administrations to determine if they are going to step aside, put their kavod aside and let experts in to deal with the issues. Unfortunately, that means letting people in with a last name that may be the wrong one, or someone who is not part of a heilig family, and many people are unwilling to let go of a little power to save a lot of children. I believe that we will see a lot more children at risk get lost... or nebach die, before things get better..
Comment Credit ---This article posted by 
: May 25, 2009 1:42 PM
: May 25, 2009 1:42 PM
I didn't write this, but I could have. I have close family members who are "at risk" and in the cases I am familiar with, none have been abused in any way by their parents, relatives or neighbors. The abuse perpetrated is by the system, that among other things, disallows any questions about Hashkofo- because in the words of highly regarded teachers- "If you ask that question, people will think you're crazy...". This makes the astute one who asks, feel guilty and pained.
While our community has tremendous qualities, services and much giving and Chesed, as far as Chinuch, it feels like one big straightjacket, which demands 90% obedience to a norm, and maligns, humiliates and ridicules those that don't conform and seeks to blame and equally malign, humiliate, and ridicule the parents, causing much heartache instead of effectively addressing the issues.
Since I've been young it's been ingrained in my psyche that all solutions are contained in the Torah. Either we aren't looking hard enough for the solutions, or we are misunderstanding and wrongly analyzing the instructions. The proof is that the problem is worsening as time goes on and is reaching epidemic proportions.
May we all wake up before we have more children at risk than not at risk. At the moment, the solution being implemented is quarantining those deemed at risk. That being the lone approach, is seriously failing. For one, it clearly shows the not "at risk" youth, that the powers that be have no effective solutions.
While our community has tremendous qualities, services and much giving and Chesed, as far as Chinuch, it feels like one big straightjacket, which demands 90% obedience to a norm, and maligns, humiliates and ridicules those that don't conform and seeks to blame and equally malign, humiliate, and ridicule the parents, causing much heartache instead of effectively addressing the issues.
Since I've been young it's been ingrained in my psyche that all solutions are contained in the Torah. Either we aren't looking hard enough for the solutions, or we are misunderstanding and wrongly analyzing the instructions. The proof is that the problem is worsening as time goes on and is reaching epidemic proportions.
May we all wake up before we have more children at risk than not at risk. At the moment, the solution being implemented is quarantining those deemed at risk. That being the lone approach, is seriously failing. For one, it clearly shows the not "at risk" youth, that the powers that be have no effective solutions.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : May 25, 2009 2:27 PM
: May 25, 2009 2:27 PM
I am involved with the kids at risk situation and though I cannot say that the abuse issue has turned some kids to addictive behaviors, I don't believe you can attribute 80 percent to it. I see some of the problem being created in two different ways. The first being that there are kids that are very smart and question certain hanhogas of parents, teachers etc. These kids see through the fakeness of their mentors and because they are so observant cannot take the double standard. They are seeking the truth and though the truth does not lie in their behaviour, it legitimizes it. The second type of kid that goes off is a kid who is not smart and just doesn't possess the brains to see the truth. In both cases, we as mentors both parents and rabbeim have failed. If we learn how to be see through then the kids won't see the sheker and will follow in our ways.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : May 26, 2009 7:44 AM
: May 26, 2009 7:44 AM
First let me say that Hashem should give you all the strenght you need
I will say something that may rattle a few feathers ... Our Rosh Hayeshivas , Rabbanim. and Scholl Admin. Will PAY a big price from the one above
Inncoent children are give in their hands and they protect themselves by throwing the child under the bus !!!!!!
Doe anyone know the hearthache of parents to just a get a nursery kid in to school in today day in age ? WHAT CHUTZPAH .. you collect money from the TZIBBUR and you act like MENGLO YM"S ( he kiled child by child) ...You KILL generations of each child by saying NO to accepting children in yor school ...since the father is not rich enough ...or goes with a blue shirt ...did you check if the rich guy is a "erliche" yid vs the blue short guy ..will bet the guy with the blue shirt is more "erliche" ...but we have become a bunch of "BLUFFERS" and we think that we wre better then our parents and grand parents....
We are luck that AVRAHAM UVINEE is not alive today ...since our school admins would have not accepted him to school with a father like terech .... SHAME ON YOU .... then we have buchrim who have no yeshivas ...and what do you expect ?
I will say something that may rattle a few feathers ... Our Rosh Hayeshivas , Rabbanim. and Scholl Admin. Will PAY a big price from the one above
Inncoent children are give in their hands and they protect themselves by throwing the child under the bus !!!!!!
Doe anyone know the hearthache of parents to just a get a nursery kid in to school in today day in age ? WHAT CHUTZPAH .. you collect money from the TZIBBUR and you act like MENGLO YM"S ( he kiled child by child) ...You KILL generations of each child by saying NO to accepting children in yor school ...since the father is not rich enough ...or goes with a blue shirt ...did you check if the rich guy is a "erliche" yid vs the blue short guy ..will bet the guy with the blue shirt is more "erliche" ...but we have become a bunch of "BLUFFERS" and we think that we wre better then our parents and grand parents....
We are luck that AVRAHAM UVINEE is not alive today ...since our school admins would have not accepted him to school with a father like terech .... SHAME ON YOU .... then we have buchrim who have no yeshivas ...and what do you expect ?
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : May 26, 2009 5:58 PM
: May 26, 2009 5:58 PM
Kids-at-risk is a multifaceted problem, and the efforts to find a single culprit, whether set of individuals or organizations, or a specific phenomenon are in vain. Each kid is a unique parsha, having his/her own issues, related to probably most or all of the above – family, chinuch, community, the rapidly changing and insecure world, hypocrisy, abuse, neglect, shame, learning issues, medical issues, emotional issues, environmental issues (negative peer relationships), etc. It is ridiculous to be impressed with the pointing of a single finger to the entire population of kids at risk as all resulting from a single issue. It makes equal nonsense to believe that we have the answers. Since the subject rose beyond the constraints of taboo and became public discussion material, many intelligent and well meaning people seek to redirect the focus away from chinuch (“It’s all coming from family problems.”), or addressing the life style factors such as luxuries and permissiveness, or any number of other possibilities. All are clearly wrong. They may be pointing to problem areas, and HKB”H knows, we have plenty.
The bottom line is that the efforts to address this problem have apparently not done much if anything to stem the tide and prevent the perpetuation of the problem. There are B”H many wonderful successes of boys and girls who were wrestled free from the tentacles of the street with its influences. We have not observed any major modifications in how the masses parent their children, no paradigm shifts in chinuch, no adoption of community values that will alter the environment where children are raised. We have hopefully succeeded in helping some of these youth turn around their lives, and there are many askanim and programs who deserve a lot of credit for these haztolas nefashos. Yet, the more global adaptations that can succeed in prevention are not following. Someone has quipped that we are pushing kids out onto the street faster than we can give birth to them. I bet this statement is a bit exaggerated, but the message behind it is true, strong, and painful to hear.
I won’t minimize the abuse issue because it deserves nothing to minimize it. But there are many young people whose lives do not get stuck due to abuse. Often, there are other factors that synergize with the abuse and guarantee that resilience will be overcome. The bottom line is that we are less than responsible to point the finger in any single direction as a way to understand the problem or to intervene in a unimodal manner.
I join you, Yisroel S., in your aspiration to help Klal Yisroel combat the problem in a way that will address the global issues. And I congratulate you in using your own struggles of the past to help others who need the assistance and guidance.
The bottom line is that the efforts to address this problem have apparently not done much if anything to stem the tide and prevent the perpetuation of the problem. There are B”H many wonderful successes of boys and girls who were wrestled free from the tentacles of the street with its influences. We have not observed any major modifications in how the masses parent their children, no paradigm shifts in chinuch, no adoption of community values that will alter the environment where children are raised. We have hopefully succeeded in helping some of these youth turn around their lives, and there are many askanim and programs who deserve a lot of credit for these haztolas nefashos. Yet, the more global adaptations that can succeed in prevention are not following. Someone has quipped that we are pushing kids out onto the street faster than we can give birth to them. I bet this statement is a bit exaggerated, but the message behind it is true, strong, and painful to hear.
I won’t minimize the abuse issue because it deserves nothing to minimize it. But there are many young people whose lives do not get stuck due to abuse. Often, there are other factors that synergize with the abuse and guarantee that resilience will be overcome. The bottom line is that we are less than responsible to point the finger in any single direction as a way to understand the problem or to intervene in a unimodal manner.
I join you, Yisroel S., in your aspiration to help Klal Yisroel combat the problem in a way that will address the global issues. And I congratulate you in using your own struggles of the past to help others who need the assistance and guidance.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : May 26, 2009 6:13 PM
: May 26, 2009 6:13 PM
My comments are addressed to the writer, Yisroel S.:
What I say stems from a bi-faceted perspective: as an "educated" mother of a struggling young adult and a professional who works with "parents" of struggling teens. Needless to say, the greater part of my education came about from life's experiences.
Yes, your pain jumps off the page. And so I offer you a great yasher koach for writing to the community-at-large about your struggles, for sharing your feelings in a public forum and for using your pain to help other pained neshomos. And mostly, I commend you for the strength you've mustered up to turn your life around both emotionally and religiously.
Your article is replete with a great deal of truths -- a realistic assessment of our unfortunate times -- a lack of spirituality. I believe a fitting term reflecting these times and the subject we're discussing would be "Ikvosa D'meshichta."
Some of your comments describe unforgiveness, judgment and blame: "no matter what we try to do to make a change, we still are labeled and victimized by our past;" "how can the frum people and our Rabbonim judge me and my fellow Mivakshim if they never went through the abuse, pain, hurt, embarrassment and bitter life that we experienced????;" "It’s easier to blame the kid or parents!" I therefore wish to validate your hurt feelings and the unfair burden you (and your cohorts) are carrying due to people's apathy, insensitivity or naivete (also known as lack of education). These are not the middos we learn from Avraham Avinu. Nor are they the Attributes of Hashem.
As a parent who has been through this parsha, at the beginning, my fingers were sharpened, pointing them toward those individuals I felt were responsible for my child's downfall. And then there were people from my community and outsiders who were also pointing their fingers -- at my husband and me -- believing that my child's behaviors were attributed to our "supposed" poor parenting skills (which were the farthest from the truth). It took some time and hard work to learn that while some individuals or the school system may have been directly or indirectly responsible for my child's downfall, there were other factors, too, namely, the child's personality, disposition, learning issues, degree of sensitivity, etc. that also contributed to the complete picture. This was "our" situation. As one of the commenter's indicated, each case is an individualized situation and has its own set of contributing factors.
When people are hurt (whether parents or children), a healing process is a necessity. Pointing the finger has a place at some point when there's a great deal of pain. However, it's not helpful to anyone to live in the state of "blame." Healing takes place when we reach a point where we can transfer blame and other negativity into positive energy. And here you are, Yisroel, you've transferred some of your pain into this positive venue of writing and bringing awareness to the public. Remember that Hashem, The Ultimate Judge, will take care of the rest. For those responsible for hurting children will be held accountable for their actions.
My wishes and bracha to you, Yisroel, is that Hashem give you strength to heal and to continue bringing awareness to the public, and that includes the chinuch world. If you had the guts to write this article, then I have no doubt you will have the strength to continue in the direction of educating the public.
What I say stems from a bi-faceted perspective: as an "educated" mother of a struggling young adult and a professional who works with "parents" of struggling teens. Needless to say, the greater part of my education came about from life's experiences.
Yes, your pain jumps off the page. And so I offer you a great yasher koach for writing to the community-at-large about your struggles, for sharing your feelings in a public forum and for using your pain to help other pained neshomos. And mostly, I commend you for the strength you've mustered up to turn your life around both emotionally and religiously.
Your article is replete with a great deal of truths -- a realistic assessment of our unfortunate times -- a lack of spirituality. I believe a fitting term reflecting these times and the subject we're discussing would be "Ikvosa D'meshichta."
Some of your comments describe unforgiveness, judgment and blame: "no matter what we try to do to make a change, we still are labeled and victimized by our past;" "how can the frum people and our Rabbonim judge me and my fellow Mivakshim if they never went through the abuse, pain, hurt, embarrassment and bitter life that we experienced????;" "It’s easier to blame the kid or parents!" I therefore wish to validate your hurt feelings and the unfair burden you (and your cohorts) are carrying due to people's apathy, insensitivity or naivete (also known as lack of education). These are not the middos we learn from Avraham Avinu. Nor are they the Attributes of Hashem.
As a parent who has been through this parsha, at the beginning, my fingers were sharpened, pointing them toward those individuals I felt were responsible for my child's downfall. And then there were people from my community and outsiders who were also pointing their fingers -- at my husband and me -- believing that my child's behaviors were attributed to our "supposed" poor parenting skills (which were the farthest from the truth). It took some time and hard work to learn that while some individuals or the school system may have been directly or indirectly responsible for my child's downfall, there were other factors, too, namely, the child's personality, disposition, learning issues, degree of sensitivity, etc. that also contributed to the complete picture. This was "our" situation. As one of the commenter's indicated, each case is an individualized situation and has its own set of contributing factors.
When people are hurt (whether parents or children), a healing process is a necessity. Pointing the finger has a place at some point when there's a great deal of pain. However, it's not helpful to anyone to live in the state of "blame." Healing takes place when we reach a point where we can transfer blame and other negativity into positive energy. And here you are, Yisroel, you've transferred some of your pain into this positive venue of writing and bringing awareness to the public. Remember that Hashem, The Ultimate Judge, will take care of the rest. For those responsible for hurting children will be held accountable for their actions.
My wishes and bracha to you, Yisroel, is that Hashem give you strength to heal and to continue bringing awareness to the public, and that includes the chinuch world. If you had the guts to write this article, then I have no doubt you will have the strength to continue in the direction of educating the public.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : June 02, 2009 12:10 PM
: June 02, 2009 12:10 PM
That was a great letter Yisroel. I can almost feel your pain after reading your letter but since I haven't experienced that pain I am far from actually knowing or understanding exactly what you are going through. Now that I'm in my late 50's I look back and wonder how the heck I made it through my teens. I did things that I am too embarrassed to discuss. I'm lucky I didn't end up in jail! I was a loner kid growing up and except for a couple of other screwball kids I had no real friends except for my parents who were Holocaust survivors. They showed me what it was to be a mensh and a frum Yid, because you can't really be frum without being a mench! You may seem to be frum but if you don't act properly to others you're NOT.
I wish you Hatzlacha Rabbah in all your endeavors and remember that we worship Hashem not money. That's a very important concept to keep in mind. Kol Tuv.
I wish you Hatzlacha Rabbah in all your endeavors and remember that we worship Hashem not money. That's a very important concept to keep in mind. Kol Tuv.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : June 03, 2009 4:44 AM
: June 03, 2009 4:44 AM
sorry for commenting on a side issue: reish lakish was not a tanna, but rather an amora.
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Comment Credit ---This article posted by : June 03, 2009 10:27 AM
: June 03, 2009 10:27 AM
