Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Hasidic Landlord Sick Of "Sun Tanning Goyim" In Crown Heights 

The yuppie goyim are TAKING OVER Crown Heights, turning the once idyllic neighborhood into a wicked G-dless hellhole known among interlopers as "ProCro," a veritable Sodom where they party half-naked on rooftops and corrupt
the area youth! So says one local landlord, who has fired off an open
letter begging fellow property owners not to rent to these licentious
libertines. In a desperate missive titled "Take Back Our Neighborhood," the anonymous landlord writes:
Demographic changes are swiftly changing the culture of our
neighborhood. Local Lubavitch landowners and outside chassidic investors are making Crown Heights an attractive location for young, non Jewish
tenants. In fact, it has come to attention that some investors are
specifically targeting their advertising for this purpose. This is
clearly seen with the new PLEX building Montgomery Street and Nostrand
>Young, upwardly mobile professionals may seem to be pleasant tenants
who bring in reliable income, but they also introduce a very different
way of life: new nightclubs and bars, sun tanning on rooftops, bike
lanes and an increasing amount of immodesty on our streets. Some of
these changes are hard to ignore; for instance, one of the sun tanning
parties are visible for our young children to see from the window of a
local school.
>Rising rent compounds the problem and makes it even harder for our
young couples and families to compete in the rental market. Friends, we
pay a premium to live in this neighborhood, and we strive to create an
atmosphere of holiness and kedusha for our children and teens. These
yuppies bring pritzus to our neighborhood. They come out at night to our restaurants and act inappropriately while waiting on line etc.
We're guessing "pritzus" is a strain of particularly potent
marijuana? Anyway, the letter's author finds it deeply troubling that
"some young agents and landlords will specifically rent to these goyim
instead of a fellow Jewish family." His solution? "We must form a group
to come up with effective ways to reinforce the observant Jewish
character of crown heights. The Satmars in Williamsburg are faced with
the same problem and have made a successful committee to curb this
issue. This could include meeting with investors from our own community
and possibly outside, subsidizing rent for our own community members."

For perspective, we spoke with one non-Orthodox Crown Heights resident, who tells us, "I do think this guy's 'fears' are reasonable. There have been so many new businesses opening; there's a place called Owl and Thistle that opened up and my first thought when I walked in was 'who the hell in this neighborhood is going to pay $70 for a pizza stone.' But I'm guessing places like that are getting in while the rents are still cheap, anticipating a boom in 3-4 years. The neighborhood has beautiful brownstones and it's going to get yuppified, no doubt." Crown Heights resident Tien Mao adds, "I know I sunbathe nude and ride my bike topless all the time." JUST TRY TO STOP HIM! (Seriously, please try to stop him.) 


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