Monday, January 26, 2009
Surprise! Mommy had a baby.
It was Monday night, all the kids went to sleep their usual time. Mommy tucked them in and kissed them goodnight. Everything was the same as usual that night, only one thing changed, the family had grown by one member. A sweet little 7lb. 2oz. girl.
Mommy and Totty went to the hospital and Bobby came over to watch the children while they slept. The children woke up the next morning to hear Bobby banging away at the pots and pans in the kitchen preparing breakfast, but Mommy and Totty were nowhere to be found.
"Where's Mommy?", asked the children. "And what are you doing here Bobby?" "Well", Bobby answers, Mommy had a baby last night and I'll be watching you until you go off to school and then you'll be going from there to your Tantes' homes. I'll tell you soon to whom each of you are going."
The children are confused. They're excited, but they had no idea. Nobody told them they were going to have another little sister. Nobody told them that Mommy was going to be away for two weeks. Nobody told them they won't be seeing their Totty every night for the next few weeks. Nobody told them that Bobby would be at their house when they woke up. Nobody told them that they would be away from their home for so many weeks. Nobody told them that they would be separated from each other for so long.
They had no idea what was happening at that moment. All they knew was that everyone around them was expecting them to be happy about their new sibling while their world was simultaneously crashing down all around them.
The children get dressed and go to their respective Yeshivahs, knowing that the bus has already been instructed to drop them off at an alternate location. They tell their teachers and Rebbes that their mother had a baby. "Really?", the teacher asks. "When?" "I don't really know", the child answers, "we went to sleep and then when we woke up Bobby told us that Mommy had a baby."
Everyone at home, at school and in the neighborhood is so excited about the brand new baby and all these poor kids can feel is that they never saw all this coming. They were never prepared about the coming of the new baby. Nobody ever told them what to expect. They were just moved around like living, eating, breathing pieces of furniture, left to deal with this overwhelming situation all by themselves.
Something is really wrong here with our system of dealing with children and childbirth. Is this Frumkeit? Is this ehrlichkeit? Is this mentchlichkeit? Is this how Hashem wants little defenseless children to be handled? Does Hashem really want parents to hide an entire pregnancy from their children because of the topic? It is just plain amazing to see how much trauma people will willingly inflict on their own children in order to perpetuate a newfangled unfounded neurosis of not letting them know that their own mother will soon be having a baby. Something is definitely really wrong here.
Mommy and Totty went to the hospital and Bobby came over to watch the children while they slept. The children woke up the next morning to hear Bobby banging away at the pots and pans in the kitchen preparing breakfast, but Mommy and Totty were nowhere to be found.
"Where's Mommy?", asked the children. "And what are you doing here Bobby?" "Well", Bobby answers, Mommy had a baby last night and I'll be watching you until you go off to school and then you'll be going from there to your Tantes' homes. I'll tell you soon to whom each of you are going."
The children are confused. They're excited, but they had no idea. Nobody told them they were going to have another little sister. Nobody told them that Mommy was going to be away for two weeks. Nobody told them they won't be seeing their Totty every night for the next few weeks. Nobody told them that Bobby would be at their house when they woke up. Nobody told them that they would be away from their home for so many weeks. Nobody told them that they would be separated from each other for so long.
They had no idea what was happening at that moment. All they knew was that everyone around them was expecting them to be happy about their new sibling while their world was simultaneously crashing down all around them.
The children get dressed and go to their respective Yeshivahs, knowing that the bus has already been instructed to drop them off at an alternate location. They tell their teachers and Rebbes that their mother had a baby. "Really?", the teacher asks. "When?" "I don't really know", the child answers, "we went to sleep and then when we woke up Bobby told us that Mommy had a baby."
Everyone at home, at school and in the neighborhood is so excited about the brand new baby and all these poor kids can feel is that they never saw all this coming. They were never prepared about the coming of the new baby. Nobody ever told them what to expect. They were just moved around like living, eating, breathing pieces of furniture, left to deal with this overwhelming situation all by themselves.
Something is really wrong here with our system of dealing with children and childbirth. Is this Frumkeit? Is this ehrlichkeit? Is this mentchlichkeit? Is this how Hashem wants little defenseless children to be handled? Does Hashem really want parents to hide an entire pregnancy from their children because of the topic? It is just plain amazing to see how much trauma people will willingly inflict on their own children in order to perpetuate a newfangled unfounded neurosis of not letting them know that their own mother will soon be having a baby. Something is definitely really wrong here.
Comments:
How old/young were these kids? If they "went to their respective yeshivas" one can assume they were old enough to know their mother was about to have a baby.
That is the problem with this story. Children of school age can certainly tell their mother is pregnant. They must have asked, Why are you growing in the Tummy, Mommy?
So, bottom line, I do not believe they did not know.
I believe maybe labor came unexpectedly, and maybe even very prematurely, and the parents decided not to wake up the sleeping kids.
I also agree that the kids needed to be told, but I am not sure I even believe they were not told. I have never seen this. Mommy and Tatty always tell the kids that a new baby is coming.
I am Mod Orth, but I have many friends both Chassidish and Yeshivish. It is normal, at least in Satmar families and in Yeshivish to tell the kinderlech. They wait at home excited, wanted to meey their new baby.
Now, maybe this was a case where they expected a really hard time, and needed to "get away" after giving birth. This happens also. But you tell the kids, and explain it to them. But it must be in a way that does not scare them. We don't want them to be afraid they will lose their Mommy.
But, to keep everything from the kids so that know nothing, not even that their mother is pregnant, is weird and certainly not normal. I have never seen that in the Chassidish world or in the Yeshivish world.
UNLESS ..... was this a case of a VERY premature birth? Maybe mommy did not look pregnant yet, and maybe they were waiting, appropriately, to tell the kids, and labor came on suddenly and unexpectedly. Maybe the woman DID need extra recuperative help.
Their may be a medical issue not told in this story.
My experience is that Frum parents are VERY thoughtful to tell their kids things, in "age appropriate" ways, and consider their feelings.
I am not ready to jump and "convict" this couple before knowing the "rest of the story."
That is the problem with this story. Children of school age can certainly tell their mother is pregnant. They must have asked, Why are you growing in the Tummy, Mommy?
So, bottom line, I do not believe they did not know.
I believe maybe labor came unexpectedly, and maybe even very prematurely, and the parents decided not to wake up the sleeping kids.
I also agree that the kids needed to be told, but I am not sure I even believe they were not told. I have never seen this. Mommy and Tatty always tell the kids that a new baby is coming.
I am Mod Orth, but I have many friends both Chassidish and Yeshivish. It is normal, at least in Satmar families and in Yeshivish to tell the kinderlech. They wait at home excited, wanted to meey their new baby.
Now, maybe this was a case where they expected a really hard time, and needed to "get away" after giving birth. This happens also. But you tell the kids, and explain it to them. But it must be in a way that does not scare them. We don't want them to be afraid they will lose their Mommy.
But, to keep everything from the kids so that know nothing, not even that their mother is pregnant, is weird and certainly not normal. I have never seen that in the Chassidish world or in the Yeshivish world.
UNLESS ..... was this a case of a VERY premature birth? Maybe mommy did not look pregnant yet, and maybe they were waiting, appropriately, to tell the kids, and labor came on suddenly and unexpectedly. Maybe the woman DID need extra recuperative help.
Their may be a medical issue not told in this story.
My experience is that Frum parents are VERY thoughtful to tell their kids things, in "age appropriate" ways, and consider their feelings.
I am not ready to jump and "convict" this couple before knowing the "rest of the story."
Comment Credit ---This article posted by 
: January 26, 2009 8:53 AM
: January 26, 2009 8:53 AM
This article was written by someone who is bored and just wanted to kill time. In addition, He used the same method as the miraglim did at the time of Moshe Rabeinu. Start off with one fact of truth and twist the rest.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 9:32 AM
: January 26, 2009 9:32 AM
Nebach, this article just goes to show how far we are from true tznius & Inyonei KEDUSHA!As opposed to modern day thinking,in yiddishkite not everything has to be talked about and not everything has to be publicized!Certain things can be kept on the hush hush & believe it or not it won't adversely affect a child's mental development!
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 9:37 AM
: January 26, 2009 9:37 AM
At what point do you suggest children are informed? Maybe parents are trying to protect children in case a baby chas v'shalom never makes it home. How do you explain that one? The stupidity is that where you wrote, the rebbes and teachers ask when the mother had they baby, they are not asking the exact time! Last night or last week would be sufficient. Also, well adjusted children do not lose their minds for finding Bubby in the morning instead of Mommy. And who says the father can't come home in the morning to break the good news himself, and reassure the children that they are not being abandoned? This author of this article needs lots of help!! May we always share in simchas!
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 9:53 AM
: January 26, 2009 9:53 AM
This story might have been the norm 20 years ago, but not anymore. I myself have a very frum family in Williamsburg, and my kids are always notified and aware when we have another child. I'm talking about kids in the ages between 4-12, all of them know. So I think this is a muchado about nothing.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 10:21 AM
: January 26, 2009 10:21 AM
The whole system of frumkeit would fall unless you keep everyone in a state of ignorance.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 10:31 AM
: January 26, 2009 10:31 AM
Not sure what the issue here is. We told our children six weeks prior to due date, they came to see me in the hospital, they all got gifts from the new baby, and they all handled things beautifully. I don't think that this situation is the norm, rather, it's the exception. Kids usually get it and arne't feeling like furniture unless their parents make them feel that way
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 10:37 AM
: January 26, 2009 10:37 AM
Well said! This is very common - and insane. In our rush to frumkeit we've sexualized even this! We have 2 and a half year old girls wearing black tights. We as a people need to make a serious evaluation of the direction in which we are headed.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 11:14 AM
: January 26, 2009 11:14 AM
Mommy and Totty don't always tell the children that a new baby is coming. I know several families that tell the older children but not the younger ones.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 12:02 PM
: January 26, 2009 12:02 PM
I prepared my children before each birth, each child on their level. But when I called a neighbor one day and her 10-11 year old son answered that "mein momma hut kekoift a baby" I thought it was absurd!!! (and she has one almost every year).
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 12:23 PM
: January 26, 2009 12:23 PM
Just to show how clueless I was; when I was 11 y/o, on one fine Sunday afternoon, cutting the grass in the backyard, Tatte comes out to me to tell me he is taking Mamme to the hospital for a Doctor's visit, and I should pput the kids to bed...2 days later Mammeh comes home with a baby. I had no clue.
Clueless in Lakewood
Clueless in Lakewood
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 12:45 PM
: January 26, 2009 12:45 PM
My experience is just the opposite. In certain circles the parents are definitely more open with their kids and even encourage questions based on the kids' curiosity. It can be exactly the opposite in certain neighborhoods where parents withhold any information that may lead to the children knowing more than they are comfortable with them knowing.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 1:01 PM
: January 26, 2009 1:01 PM
To add on what January 26, 2009 8:53 AM What do you mean defensless kids? you make it sound as if they were being toutured or somthing. First of all i dont belive its a tramatic experiance, and if you want to talk about things we keep from our kids, i can give you a whole megillah on that issue this one is just bogus. What really gets me is that you are wringing your hands saying is this what frumkite is? ehrlichkite....defensless children etc. comon grow up and grow a pair
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 1:23 PM
: January 26, 2009 1:23 PM
What a stupid stereotyping. This doesnt happen. The kids are usually excited, beyond excited, to have a new sibling. They get to visit in the hospital, hold the baby, talk to their parents on the phone. They are excited about staying for 1-2 weeks with their cousins and aunts/uncles. and for younger kids - age 2,3,4 etc - the parents usually do tell =them ahead of time that 'IYH when Mommy will have a baby you will go to aunt such and such' without specifying a time frame.
Why put it down so bleakly? What happened to, the kids wake up and bobby says :MAZEL TOV KINDERLECH! MOMMY HAD A BABY! TODAY AFTER CHEDER TOTTY WILL TAKE YOU TO VISIT! Why make it sounds so depressing? "world came crashing around them?" Huh? no one got sick, no one died.
Why put it down so bleakly? What happened to, the kids wake up and bobby says :MAZEL TOV KINDERLECH! MOMMY HAD A BABY! TODAY AFTER CHEDER TOTTY WILL TAKE YOU TO VISIT! Why make it sounds so depressing? "world came crashing around them?" Huh? no one got sick, no one died.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 1:53 PM
: January 26, 2009 1:53 PM
This is a single story, one which is sad, but also one which I've never heard of before. I'm not sure how the jump was made to say that this is representative of the entire "system".
It is just one sad story.
It is just one sad story.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 1:54 PM
: January 26, 2009 1:54 PM
its not always a good idea to tell the small children during pregnacy here is why, a couple of months ago my wife gave birth to a baby girl unfortunitly the baby passed away in the hospital and my son a 4year old knowing that a baby is on the way didnt stop asking and crying for the baby, you should never have to go through this and we should all only know of simchas.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 1:57 PM
: January 26, 2009 1:57 PM
I am a pediatrician in the satmar community, and in my opinion what's "wrong" in this story is the author's attitude. People do shield things from their children and I have NEVER heard of such problems. The little ones are excited with their new sibling and very comfortable with their temporary caregivers
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 2:50 PM
: January 26, 2009 2:50 PM
My brother is a pediatrician in Willi. I told him this story and this is what he told me .. my words, not his:
Sometimes kids are shielded when there is a significant risk of a stillborn, chas v'sholom.
If the doctor tells the mother that not everything is going well, or things are a high risk, it is common, and recommended by dictirs abd shrinks from ALL communities, to not tell the small kids.
Why tell small children that Mommy is going to the hospital to have a baby, only to have Mommy come home without one? Children SHOULD be protected from things like that.
How does the author know WHY the kids were shielded?
Maybe it was a high-risk situation for both baby and mother?
How does the writer know she was not advised to do this?
In the VAST Majority of cases, Williamsburg parents are amazingly wonderful and warm & loving.
My brother moved from Flatbush to Willi, and says the families in Willi are wonderful, and any one who puts them down is just being hateful.
The Chassidim in Willi are just as loving and good parents as we Mod Orth folks.
Sometimes kids are shielded when there is a significant risk of a stillborn, chas v'sholom.
If the doctor tells the mother that not everything is going well, or things are a high risk, it is common, and recommended by dictirs abd shrinks from ALL communities, to not tell the small kids.
Why tell small children that Mommy is going to the hospital to have a baby, only to have Mommy come home without one? Children SHOULD be protected from things like that.
How does the author know WHY the kids were shielded?
Maybe it was a high-risk situation for both baby and mother?
How does the writer know she was not advised to do this?
In the VAST Majority of cases, Williamsburg parents are amazingly wonderful and warm & loving.
My brother moved from Flatbush to Willi, and says the families in Willi are wonderful, and any one who puts them down is just being hateful.
The Chassidim in Willi are just as loving and good parents as we Mod Orth folks.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 7:12 PM
: January 26, 2009 7:12 PM
First of all, even if the children didn't know of the impending birth beforehand, I don't think they would be traumatized by the good news. Second of all, it's up to the parents what to tell and how to tell their children, and no one should be criticizing them. Over 50 years ago when my brother was born, someone remarked to my little 4 year old sister, that my mother bought a baby. She answered - you don't buy babies, you get them. That didn't mean she knew how, what, or where, but, children don't have to know everything.It's not a lack of tznius to tell children that a baby is born from a mother, they'll learn it in Chumash one day. If someone chooses not to tell their children, maybe they don't want them talking about it to everyone, because children don't keep secrets too well.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 26, 2009 8:27 PM
: January 26, 2009 8:27 PM
You make it sound like a religious rule not to tell children about a sibling on the way. There's no such rule. We prepare our children as appropriate for each one. Just because some parents didn't find it necessary to prepare their children, doesn't mean it's Frumkeit, ehrlichkeit, or even mentchlichkeit. And it's certainly not the rule.
Also, in today's generation, even if the parents didn't tell the children that the mother is pregnant, the children's friends will. So you really can't hide something like this.
I believe this author has nothing to do but dig for gripes against our community.
Also, in today's generation, even if the parents didn't tell the children that the mother is pregnant, the children's friends will. So you really can't hide something like this.
I believe this author has nothing to do but dig for gripes against our community.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 28, 2009 1:27 PM
: January 28, 2009 1:27 PM
I gave birth to my third child in Staten Island Hospital. As I stayed over Shabbos, it was interesting for me to meet more "Heimishe" women and hear their stories and perspectives. I recall that there was one women who was giving birth to her third or fourth child. She had arranged that her 18 month old child would "board" at someone's home for two weeks after she gave birth. She assured me that it was common practice and quite expensive. Her older children would be at relatives homes. Her mother was moving in to care for her. She had scheduled for her younger children to come home first (after two weeks) and the older ones to follow. Only after a month would all of her children be under her roof. I was flabergasted -the whole concept of "kimpit" seemed rather exaggerated. Most importantly, I was horrified to think of the trauma the toddler would undergo to be dropped at a stranger's home for two weeks. When I spoke to others at the hospital, they had similar arrangements. This is all factual and cannot be controverted. I'm glad to see from the comments that it is not the norm.
Comment Credit ---This article posted by : January 28, 2009 9:03 PM
: January 28, 2009 9:03 PM
To the first commentator who wrote that kids surely know to expect a baby bec. Mommy's tummy is bigger, you take it for granted that chassidishe kids know that big tummy = new baby. The kids of my best friend, who is chassidishe, do not know that babies are in mommies tummies. Yes, they take it too far, in my opinion. Kids need several weeks, at least, to internalize the change, and to have minimal interference w/ their schedules.
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Comment Credit ---This article posted by : February 01, 2009 8:22 PM
: February 01, 2009 8:22 PM
